RSS Feed

Category Archives: worn out

Borrowed Words – Barbara Kingsolver

Posted on

I’m a lover of words. In written form mostly. I have an app on my computer that sends me an update each week as to how many words I’ve written as well as how many mistakes I’ve made. We won’t discuss the mistakes but in one recent week I wrote over 100,000 words. That’s crazy to me.

As an introvert, I can’t handle too many of the spoken kinds of words. I must take that kind in small doses and spread out over time and preferably spoken quietly. Our kids all love words and have become quite clever in their use of them. This love for words started early in our son’s life. He was famous for picking up on a word and using it over and over again. Not even really using it but saying it. Over and over again. When our oldest daughter was in the 8th grade she had back surgery for scoliosis and during our time in the hospital, our son (6th grade) got utterly hung up on, addicted, flat out obsessed with the word “Abercrombie”. Not to be confused with the clothing store (I don’t even think we had one of those in our town yet), it was the name of an adjacent building to the hospital we were in. A building that we had to pass through to another hospital that had a McDonald’s, thus one that we passed through frequently. He would repeat “Abercrombie. Abercrombie” over and over again. You have to admit it is a fun word and sort of rolls off.


Back on the path… I’m a lover of words… and how they turn into stories. I bought the book, Homeland, by Barbara Kingsolver a few years ago because it’s a book with short stories and I typically only have the mental capacity to read in snippets. I picked it up recently for some writing inspiration. I love how Kingsolver put words together to create images and emotions that tell a vivid story. I love being moved by words. I constantly strive to be a better writer. A better storyteller. I love the thought that my words will one day move or inspire someone. Even if only me.

These borrowed words are from Chapter 1:


“The ones who could not travel, the aged and the infirm and the very young, were hidden in deep cane thickets where they would remain undiscovered until they were bones. When the people’s hearts could not bear any more, they laid their deerskin packs on the ground and settled again.

They built clay houses with thin bent poles for spines, and in autumn they went down to the streams where the sycamore trees had let their year’s work fall, the water steeped brown as leaf tea, and the people cleansed themselves of the sins of the scattered-bone time. They called their refugee years The Time When We Were Not, and they were forgiven, because they had carried the truth of themselves in a sheltered place inside the flesh, exactly the way a fruit that had gone soft still carries inside itself the clean, hard stone of its future.”

When I read this, I could visualize pieces of my own life. Maybe it resonates with your life too.

*Hidden in deep cane thickets where they would remain undiscovered until they were bones

*When their hearts could bear no more, they laid down their packs and settled again

*The refugee years, The Time When We Were Not

*They cleansed themselves of the scattered-bone time

*They carried the truth of themselves like a fruit that had gone soft still carries her fruit

In life we often feel invisible and left for dead, exhausted and tired of running, mourning the loss of the years we’ll never get back, in need of cleansing and forgiveness, battered but not shattered.

Maybe it’s time for a trip to the streams.

Longing for our homeland, we will carry on… and maybe we’ll be fortunate enough to pass through the building with an amazing name like Abercrombie, that will give us some joy and hope as we travel.

And now all I can think of is McDonalds.

Be filled,


Running On Empty

Posted on

8:20am and I’m sitting in bed barely able to keep my eyes open as I feed my kiddo. See…we’ve hit a 4 month sleep regression wall BIG time, at least that’s what Google tells me. Call it what you may but we’re not getting much sleep around here and this momma is fighting to climb over the wall. Tears, tossing and turning and waking every few minutes have been my life the last two weeks and last night I decided it was time to put on my gear and conquer this. I rocked little man back to sleep a million times, each time laying him back down in his bed knowing he’d be up again in a few minutes to an hour. Spent all night reading up and racking my brain for every way possible to help my baby sleep.

Talk about running on empty…

But I did it and I’ll do it again and again, because MY sleep is no longer the most important thing to me. My baby’s sleep and his ability to be a good sleeper as he grows up has trumped every bit of rest I may get for who knows how long.

Little man is almost 5 months old and in that 5 months I have spent more time “tired and empty” in a physical sense than ever before. Lack of sleep. Constant worry and guilt that I’m screwing this whole thing up. A nagging fear just wanting to make sure that my kid is safe and healthy and that I’m doing everything right to protect him.

But here’s the thing…these days empty for me means my baby is full and taken care of. My husband and I…we’re parenting and not giving up on the hard stuff. We’re loving our kid even when sometimes that means tough love. We have years and years ahead of us of hard parenting decisions and tough stuff but we will do it because we love our kid more than “easy”. And even though that drains me, it fills me. I’m emptying myself to invest in and fill my son’s. That’s worth it.

I feel exhausted and can’t think straight a lot these days – “empty”. But my kid is safe. Somewhere deep down (some days much deeper than others) I know I’m not totally screwing this up. My kid is happy and he couldn’t care one lick about the mom guilt I feel. He’s got a big beautiful smile to prove it. My kid is thriving and we’re raising him to be a good, godly, balanced young man, even at 5 months old…or at least trying to.


Today I will roll my tired, running on empty self out of bed. Pour myself a HUGE cup of coffee (that I will have to heat up 12 times before its gone) and invest everything I have into my kid’s life. Before I know it he’ll be doing the same for his kids and I’ll be getting all the sleep I want. I want to know I gave him everything I could of me while he was still little.

I’m empty in the best of ways these days and seeing my son grow before my eyes is more than enough to show me I’m investing into one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. And honestly, that is one of the most fulfilling things I get to do.

Keep it up tired mommas. We’re doing just fine.


“Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” Proverbs 29:17

…see even the bible says we will get sleep again eventually.


Posted on

Moms’ Night Out… I really enjoy this movie. I’ve actually watched it several times. Yes, the movie is a bit over the top cheeseballs in parts but I found it very entertaining and refreshing. This clip makes me tear up every time I watch it.

Gosh, we’ll just never feel like we’re enough will we? So we strive…

I watched a live chat between CeCe Winans and Priscilla Shirer (both AMAZING women!) where I heard CeCe Winans say something like this,

“Our believing (in God) should be everything. When it’s not everything, we can’t have joy in anything. There aren’t many smiles. Nothing else will ever be enough. There will always be a striving.”

Wow. Like jaw dropping wow…

Most days I long for rest from the striving. Striving has sort of become a way of life. To strive to be a better Mom. To strive to be a better wife. To strive to be a better volunteer. To strive to write this better. To strive to keep a cleaner house. To strive to eat healthier. To strive to keep friendships from falling apart. To try to please my family. To strive to make a dinner every night. To strive to…. It’s what most of us do in all areas of our life. We’re really good at striving. Not so good at resting. What would I do with my self if I wasn’t striving for something. And if I’m honest with myself, I know I’m striving because I’m not resting in God first.

And that is not simple at all nor is it helpful to anyone I do life with. Mostly myself.


“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30 The Message

Keeping It Real

Posted on

randi journal

When one gives and gives and gives to those around them it can be exhausting. I’m seriously running on empty, my cup has overflowed to the point of not even having condensation left to pour out. I will continue however because Jesus himself said, he did not come to be served but to serve.

When was the last time you were blessed by someone? When was the last time you gave to someone outside of your family circle?

I was reading scripture today from the sermon at church on Sunday. I journaled Isaiah 58:10 in my journaling bible, see photo, and it has given me a little condensation back into my cup, here is what it says…… “if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday.” My gloom will turn to sunshine.

I know I always feel better serving others and not focusing on myself, I’m just a bit worn out is all. Just thought I’d share.

May you be encouraged.